I didn't want to miss last week

Y’all, I hope you are well. I didn’t want last week to be the first essay I have missed in almost two years, but life happens. I was on mile 70 something of a 85 mile bike ride on Sunday May 19th and I fainted and crashed. Luckily, someone saw me crash, called 911, and I was taken to the ER. They told the paramedics that I crashed totally unprovoked. Lily, who was tracking my phone on the ride, saw that I was at a hospital, rushed over to be with me. I didn’t break anything, but I had a black eye, infected road rash, and was very bruised. I have been pretty much just resting and recuperating since. I have bounced back physically, getting back on the cargo bike for my typical cargo dad and errand duties. However, it certainly feels like I am riding into a different world.

The unanswered question is why did I crash in the first place. That question is the heart of the lion share of all my doctor’s appointments in the aftermath of the crash. I have had a heart ultrasound, which came back incredibly normal. So, for the time being, they are ruling out a narrowing of arteries or any other heart structure explanation for my crash. I am currently wearing a heart monitor and will continue to wear it for another week and half. I just had an MRI. I have a heart stress test planned and will meet with a cardiologist to go over all the results. So far, we don’t have any answers for why I fainted. In fact, it’s just an assumption that I fainted, because I don’t remember anything leading up to or in the immediate aftermath of the crash. I just remember Lily showing up at the Hospital.

As one can imagine, it’s not a great feeling to have no explanation for such an event. As a father, I am terrified that there is something seriously wrong with me that will jeopardize my ability to be a parent for Juniper and a partner to Lily. Yes, without an explanation, I am doing a lot of work to not fear the worst will befall me at any time. I wish I could just laugh these sorts of concerns off as stuff I have no evidence to suggest is accurate, but its just harder for me as someone with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD.

Yeah, I would say the hardest part of this recovery process is trying to just stay centered in the here and now and not jump ahead to all that could go wrong. I have had plenty of nights where my mind is rushing and I am just worried about dying. I guess I can be forgiven that slight weakness since its very human to be afraid to die. I have been hit by a car and crash unprovoked over the last month and some change. It’s not like the world is raining down good fortunate for me as of late, other than the mountain of more pedestrian privileges that accompany being a white man living in America. That good fortune itself is significant but it wasn’t enough to stop me from getting hit or thrown from my bike due to my body malfunctioning.

Yet, day after day after those dark nights of the soul, I wake up to find out that I am still here. I am still able to savor those moments with Lily and Juniper when we are together. Damn, those are so sweet given what I have been through. Leave it to a brush with death to wake you up to absolute beauty of the life that you have made for yourself. As a death worker, I am not surprised by this realization in the slightest. However, its been a minute since I was not an invited guest into someone else’s immediacy with death’s door. I will say this till the day I am gone: there is no replacement for the reminder that we could die at any time to remind us to savor the current moment with out kin.

I also find it important to let my friends know how wonderful they are and their work is. It’s the beautiful things that my friends bring into being with their hands, mind, or both that make this life so wonderful. With my accidents, its so obvious to me to remind my friends how awesome their work is and how valued it is. Don’t forget to tell your friends how much you love them and their art. Scream it from the mountain tops on the internet so that everyone can hear. Tell them to their face how much you love them. Life too short, y’all. You could be like me and just ambling down a road and it could be over randomly.

So, one may wonder: What are my plans moving forward? Well, its all in the cards as they say. As a magical being, I am always looking to what my divinatory tools are counseling me to do. This situation, while the stuffing is literally hitting the fan, is no different. In Hannah Haddadi’s divination for this week, they noted that we would be making a decision to “step away from something” or put something down. It certainly feels like that is true for me. I feel like for the time being that the door on my randonneuring has to close for now. As bittersweet as that is, I just I don’t think that after getting hit and crashing that I have the ability to keep going without getting an all clear from the doctor and bringing in significant more coaching help to ensure that I am training in a way that is safe for me. I think Hannah’s counsel in their divination is perfect in this case: “But ultimately, we must (move on_ in order to create a new path and or to protect ourselves to stay safe to create boundaries, right boundaries.” yes, I must move on from this randonneur dream for now to retain everything I love about riding still.

This decision to let randonneuring go for now and to recenter my riding toward fun and exploration will take strength. Yes, I know this is counterintuitive to state, because typically we say it takes strength to follow through with a goal despite difficulties. However, I really believe I am exhibiting strength by not sacrificing my well-being for a goal. Look, I have done that countless times in my life and it never ends up where I hope. I played an entire season of college tennis with a shoulder impingement. With age, I have learned that sometimes you walk down a pathway a ways and realize that it is not safe at the time to proceed. In such a case, it takes a lot more strength to turn back and start again than it does to forge ahead toward a lost cause. Despite the difficulty in letting go of this pursuit momentarily, I am excited to go on stupid rides with buddies that have no goal in mind other than getting coffee or a donut. That’s the sorta riding that my heart needs after all this difficulty.

So, here I find myself in the throws of a death and rebirth process. Isn’t what all this post has been about? I suppose it makes sense given everything that has happened, but it’s still sorta shocking for me to acknowledge that simple fact. I am now left with deciding how to move forward. I think the first thing I need to do is figure out if I can fix my crust lightning bolt. After getting hit by a car and being involved in a crash, both Lily and Kolby at Treehouse Cyclery have said that the bike is pretty toast. I will have to see about whether I need to have my insurance company cover the cost or if I am going to pay out of pocket to fix it again. I might have to trash the entire frame if its not salvageable and order a new frame from crust. That’s insane to even have to write out. So I have a lot of administrative work to do before I could be rolling on my road bike anyways.

I also just need to process everything that has happened. This essay was part one of that process. Being able to say outloud, “I have been afraid I am going to die from this crash,” was the first step of a multi-pronged effort to feel my way though this terrible event. I don’t need anyone to fix that fear for me. I just really need to say it outloud so that the immensity of that fear does not eat me alive. I think one of the real challenges that people have had with me being unwell with the crash is the need to try and solve my problems. I don’t need anyone to solve my injuries, I have an entire medical team helping me with that. I don’t need anyone to solve my fear of dying, that’s my human birthright that no one can solve. What I do want are friends or comrades for the path. I want convivial spirits that are down to savor the beauty of life while we are here. If you are one of those spirits who is down with the difficulty beauty at the center of our human existence, don’t be a stranger now! Say howdy down below and offer some good vibes.

Also, complete side tangent, but I am still devoted to making stupid stickers that no one asked for but I want to put on my cargo bike. I had an omen bike quest one printed with a logo I commissioned from thee bicycle wizard of the southeast. Moss killed this logo and I pared it with some irreverent Aldous Huxley-esq text that seemed to make sense to me. As per usual, I will get this on the website sometime in the next century, because I am America’s worst business person. However, if you gotta have it now, just message me and I will reward you being a greasy wheel. I am all for rewarding anti-business activities, especially if they are waged against me running a business. Again, these are union printed in Denver at Artist Proof Collective, who are wonderful and deserve all your printing business. That’s their shop logo down in the right hand corner. They also let me send them my Entrancing Enya mix. That’s how awesome they are. I also still have my two weaving related stickers up on the webstore still, if you want one of those.

The next sticker I will design will be about how I cannot bring myself to go to the Dead & Company shows at the sphere in Las Vegas. There is something deep within the fiber of my DNA that precludes me from traveling beyond 50 miles for any band that John Mayer is a apart of in 2024. I need to double check if I have driven 50 miles or more for John ever. Ok, I once drove over 100 miles to see John Mayer and Guster co-bill Pine Knob outside of Detroit. BUT I am NOT GONNA DO THAT ANYMORE! OKAY?!?! The sticker will say, “No I wasn’t at the Sphere when Dead & Co played. I was laying on my couch listening to ‘73 dead shows for free on the Internet Archive.” It might be one of my finest works of art I have ever created. get ready for it.

Ok, but I am really listening to a lot of Dick’s Picks grateful dead shows (click for full list). I have been picking up reasonably priced copies of some of the cd volumes on discogs lately. Again, Compact discs remain a really viable alternative for analogue music heads for collecting. I recently picked up vol 1 and vol 3 of this live show grateful dead archive on discogs or about 20-30 dollars a show. That’s not a steal, but it beats the hundred of dollars that the vinyl versions of the Dick’s Picks series are selling for. I listened to Vol 1 yesterday and just loved the weather report suite in that show.

Ok, finally, thanks to all of you. I think one of the biggest revelations of this accident is that I am not an island. I am nothing without the support of my family, friends, and readers. thank you for being here. It just means the world to me to know that my date with the page matters to you. Your time and financial support toward this project give my life meaning and make me feel like fighting on no matter how difficult the road gets.

All my best to you and yours,

James